(2004-10-12) — Mullah Omar, the one-eyed Muslim cleric and top deputy of Usama bin Laden, announced today that he was inspired by John Edwards remarks about stem cell research and he will surrender to the United States during the Kerry administration so he can get a new eyeball.
“I’m tired of being described as ‘the one-eyed’ cleric,” said Mr. Omar through a translator. “President Kerry will divert the billions now wasted in Iraq to fund stem cell research that will cure all diseases, make the lame to walk and the blind to see. And that’s just during his first term. Even Jesus Christ would be jealous of such power and medical success.”
The one-eyed cleric’s remarks came after Democrat vice presidential candidate Edwards today promised the Kerry administration would use stem cells from human embryos to make people like the late Christopher Reeve ambulatory again.
“As an inmate in a federal penitentiary, Mr. Omar will certainly have the finest healthcare in the free world,” said Mr. Edwards, who is also a U.S. Senator. “And thanks to the miracle of embryonic stem cells, he’ll have two working eyeballs which he can use to study American law books as he prepares his appeal in the prison library.”
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