Friday, May 10, 2013

How Many Christians to Change a Lightbulb?

by Steve Ray on May 10, 2013

As we all smile at ourselves:

CHARISMATICS: Only 1 – Hands are already in the air.

PENTECOSTALS: 10 – One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None – Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

ROMAN CATHOLICS: None, they only use candles.

BAPTISTS: At least 15 – One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

EASTERN RITE CATHOLICS: Don’t know yet. They’re still waiting for permission from Rome to change the bulbs.

EASTERN ORTHODOX: None. Orthodoxy never changes, and, in addition to burning candles like the RCs, they use oil-burning lamps. Electricity is for those Gregorian calendar-using, liberal ecumenist jurisdictions.

ANGLICANS: Eight. One to call the electrician and six to say how much they liked the old one better. Plus one dissenter saying they should steal the RC’s candles.

ANGLO-CATHOLICS: At least eight as well: crucifer, torch-bearers, thurifer, boat-boy, sub-deacon, deacon and priest carrying the new bulb on a silk pillow…

EPISCOPALEANS: 3 – One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

MORMONS (non-Christian of course): 5 – One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

JEHOVAHS WITNESSES: (non-Christian, of course) None, too busy knocking on doors telling everyone they have the wrong lights.

UNITARIANS (non-Christian of course): We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

METHODISTS: Undetermined – Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or a dim bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

NAZARENES: 6 – One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

LUTHERANS: None – Lutherans don’t believe in change.

AMISH: What’s a light bulb?

JEWS: Where’s Jacob’s ladder when you need it?

UNBELIEVERS: None, they’d rather sit in the dark

{ 3 comments }