How Many Christians to Change a Lightbulb?

by Steve Ray on May 10, 2013

As we all smile at ourselves:

CHARISMATICS: Only 1 – Hands are already in the air.

PENTECOSTALS: 10 – One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None – Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

ROMAN CATHOLICS: None, they only use candles.

BAPTISTS: At least 15 – One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

EASTERN RITE CATHOLICS: Don’t know yet. They’re still waiting for permission from Rome to change the bulbs.

EASTERN ORTHODOX: None. Orthodoxy never changes, and, in addition to burning candles like the RCs, they use oil-burning lamps. Electricity is for those Gregorian calendar-using, liberal ecumenist jurisdictions.

ANGLICANS: Eight. One to call the electrician and six to say how much they liked the old one better. Plus one dissenter saying they should steal the RC’s candles.

ANGLO-CATHOLICS: At least eight as well: crucifer, torch-bearers, thurifer, boat-boy, sub-deacon, deacon and priest carrying the new bulb on a silk pillow…

EPISCOPALEANS: 3 – One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

MORMONS (non-Christian of course): 5 – One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

JEHOVAHS WITNESSES: (non-Christian, of course) None, too busy knocking on doors telling everyone they have the wrong lights.

UNITARIANS (non-Christian of course): We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

METHODISTS: Undetermined – Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or a dim bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

NAZARENES: 6 – One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

LUTHERANS: None – Lutherans don’t believe in change.

AMISH: What’s a light bulb?

JEWS: Where’s Jacob’s ladder when you need it?

UNBELIEVERS: None, they’d rather sit in the dark

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

walt May 9, 2009 at 9:48 AM

May I disagree with one of your categories ? My thinking vis LUTHERANS: Depends. They are divided over how to interact with lighting fixtures. Many reject the “decision methodology” that is common among modern evangelicals (that is, the light bulb must really want to change). Indeed, some Lutherans no longer believe in change, but this may result from the historic influence of Calvinism.

Mark September 1, 2012 at 9:53 AM

There’s a Lutheran-specific version of this, too, based on the three largest branches in the U.S.
> How many ELCA Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? Hundreds to pose the question at the convention, discuss it, and table it for further discussion next summer.
> How many Missouri Synod Lutherans does it take? What… Change?!
> How many Wisconsin Synod Lutherans does it take? What’s a lightbulb? … We’re against them if the other synods are using them — we don’t share light-socket fellowship with them.

Ha!

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